My daughter is turning 16 next week. ‘When did that happen?’ I asked her. She looked at me disparagingly. ‘1993, Mum!’

The first thing she will be doing is getting here Learner’s Permit. Yikes! My baby driving a car!

But it’s not her I worry about (although, of course, I will worry) – it’s the other idiots on the road. And there are a lot of them. Going on my estimation, which is based on thorough, valid and rigourous research (i.e. my experience), around 99.9% of people driving on the roads today are morons.

She asked me if I would give her a driving lesson. I told her I had a policy that I developed before she was even born. ‘What is it?’ she asked.

‘Never give driving lessons to anyone you’ve given birth to,’ was my reply.

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